Our Contractually Obligatory Wedding

...A View Through the Trees
Originally uploaded by sunspotting.

This is what we were doing, along with countless other couples, on July 7, 2007. We chose the date not because we are superstitious or believe it is the opposite of 666. Rick likes to play with number sequences (his second choice was September 8th, so our date would look like 090807). I like prime numbers. And it was a date that satisfied both of our interests AND fell before the following school year. (If you double-click on the picture it will take you to Flickr to see more of the wedding pictures.)

That, sadly, was an important detail, and it's sad because it ended up not mattering after all.

We weren't planning to get married until 2008. We didn't have the money for it. But I got my dream job last year, we couldn't believe our good fortune. I would be teaching K-8 art at a Lutheran school, how perfect was that?

I went to Lutheran schools from Kindergarten through my second year of college, and my parents were Lutheran school teachers (Daddy was even a principal), so I was well aware of how they would feel about my living with Rick without being married to him. We discussed this, and decided honesty was the best policy. We also agreed that we would offer to get married before the school year began. Being engaged, that was no hardship. I explained all of this in the interview with the principal and the school board president, who smiled and said "I wouldn't worry about it," and "That shouldn't be a problem."

Those were exact quotes, by the way.

Well, that was wrong, and I should have known better. Especially after watching my parents' long history with Lutheran schools. But it was easy and convenient to relax into their assurances, because it was what we wanted to hear. We wanted the time to plan and prepare our dream wedding celebration, just like any other engaged couple. It wasn't a month into the school year before I was called into the principal's office and told that "someone" on the faculty was concerned about my marital and housing status, because they were afraid the fact that I was living with my fiance would actually come up in class.

Seriously. And how would that work, exactly? "First you mix the red and blue together to make purple, but not too much or you'll run the risk of living in sssssiiiiiiinnnnnnnn......."

She told us that they (the administration) needed a wedding date.

So we started scrambling.

It was initially depressing, because it was clear that we would be limited to an immediate family only kind of celebration, and after all that we had gone through extricating ourselves from our previous, tragically unwonderful marriages, we had hoped to have some sort of actual celebration worthy of our current bliss. Nothing ostentatious, not fancy, certainly not over-the-top, just friends and family and an evening of happiness. It wasn't looking like we would have that.

Oh, and by the way, none of the other faculty, when they heard this story, "bought" the whole "someone on the faculty" line. Neither did I, after I thought about it, but I have to admit that for a good several weeks I was quite hurt by the anonymous jab, and had a difficult time feeling a part of the team. Not a good feeling! Definitely not a good move on the part of this principal.

March came and I had my review. We sat in the pastor's office. I was the only teacher to get reviewed by both the pastor and the principal; everyone else had one-on-ones with the principal in her office. It was a glowingly wonderful review -- one of the best I've ever had, if not the best! My principal called me "one of the best teachers [she has] ever had the privilege of serving with". That was another direct quote. I could hear the "but" coming from the not-so-far-away, however. I was still not prepared for its impact when it hit.

The "but" was regarding my contract for the following year (2007-08). She said that the school board wasn't sure they would be able to give me a contract for the next year due to my continued unmarried-and-living-with-my-romantic-partner status. That I was actually prepared for. The big surprise was this.

The pastor was shocked beyond belief. This was the first time he had heard that bit of information. (This was also part of the reason we were having the review with him: for his information.)

THAT floored me. When I gave my full disclosure in my August interview, I fully expected the principal and school board president to share this critical information with the rest of the school board and the pastor. After all, they needed that information to properly decide whether I was an appropriate candidate to instruct their children. Clearly, I was a pawn. I had been hired to fill a position for convenience's sake and information had been withheld for expediency's sake.

The pastor gave me two options. (This was the other reason for sharing my review with the pastor: to bring his problem-solving skills on board, and remove them somewhat from the principal's shoulders.) One was to move out immediately. (WHERE? HOW? WITH WHAT? My salary was $7,800, pre-tax, spread over 12 months. Yes, that's a 4-digit salary, no typo, it was a part-time position.) The other was to get married immediately. He offered not only to do it, but to keep it quiet, absolutely a secret. Rick completely blew up when I told him that one: "The pastor offered to 'bear false witness'? That's LYING!!! I will NEVER go back to that church again!" (He did, just once, but that was for a baptism. Other people's special occasions pre-empt bad feelings.)

The pastor and the principal didn't want to pressure me into a snap decision, they understood this would take two people to discuss and decide. Rick was proud of me (he told me later) when I replied immediately: "We have a wedding date. We are getting married in July. You needed a wedding date in September: we have a wedding date. We're standing by it." (I would have felt a little better if I could have pulled the entire Martin Luther quote, "Here I stand; I can do no other..." but that's the limit of my memory. Probably a little too melodramatic, but what a perfect application!) And with that my review was over.

A month later I was told by the principal I WOULD get a contract after all. She had it, it was in her office on her desk, it had all the necessary signatures, and yes yes yes we're keeping you, no question, we wouldn't let a teacher like you slip through our fingers, yadda yadda yadda... Again, a 'something verbal' given... all the same trustworthiness as "I wouldn't worry about it/Shoudn't be a problem."

Sure enough, a week before school ended, it was explained to me that there would be no contract after all.

The last time I went to church there, one of the parents told me that yes, a rumor flying was that I didn't get my contract because someone on school board heard at that late date that (gasp) I was living with my fiancé, and didn't approve. (Ironically, this controversial status of mine was also kept so privately that the second grade teacher only found out when I told her myself on the second-to-last day of school. Two of her children were students of mine, and DID NOT hear about it during class.) If it's true -- that there was a rumor and the rumor was the reason my contract wasn't renewed --(and who knows, really; I don't give much credence to rumors), then it's a pity the school board didn't get that information prior to the school year's start when they ought to have gotten it. It would have saved both them and me a huge amount of pain and heart break. I love those children. I so enjoyed serving at that school. Foolishly, perhaps, I would actually return if they asked. Not because I have any illusions about people changing. It's because I feel a debt of service to the students. That's why I teach.

The truly excellent things about all of this are that I had a year teaching in an excellent school, on a brilliant faculty. I can't express enough the gratitude I have for that experience. It was an outstanding year, barring the deception from the administration. I take with me an enormous collection of rich and wonderful memories. Also, Rick and I had a beautiful wedding that we probably would not have had otherwise. Because we had to pull it together on the extreme cheap, on a last minute schedule, we made decisions that reflected us more clearly than if we had had all the time and budget we originally desired.

I hope and pray that I get to teach at another school. I will be more careful and skeptical about agreements, making sure to get them in writing from now on, regardless of where I am or what I do. I am heartbroken and missing my students. I really hope and pray that the school board made their decision with the children foremost in their mind. That was MY mission throughout the school year; I'm not confident that was everyone's mission, though.

About the title: getting married was never actually in my contract. Going to church WAS, and I met that obligation. But because there were so many references to our needing to get married after we offered to and were told outright not to worry about it, we started referring to it jokingly as a contractual obligation. Then, after my review, obviously my contract renewal WAS on the line if we didn't get married. And since we didn't get married on the school's terms, well, you can see what happened.

Still, we're married, according to the school's wishes, even though their wishes no longer matter, no matter how much I wish they did. But more good things about the experience is that I can look back with no regrets, and when I look back I see many good things that inspire me. I do spend more of my time looking forward.